The latest question that came into our email box can be summarized as: How can I share my fantasies with my boyfriend? Specifically, How can I share fantasies without making him feel bad or inadequate? Here is the original email:
I haven’t told my fiancé about my interest in BDSM and dom/sub relationships and I don’t know how I should bring it up. He’s very sweet but sometimes he acts more like Doms that I’ve had in the past. I just find it very difficult to talk about my personal sexual fantasies and I need help! How do I tell him that I need him to be more dominating without him feeling inadequate up to this point?
This discussion could happen at different times in a relationship and at anytime the stakes in this conversation are high. Honestly you could substitute any high stakes discussion strategy into this discussion. Whether you are looking for different experiences in the bedroom, wanting to try a different type of cooking or wanting to move to a new city. There are dozens of ways to go about it, and the one thing that you can’t do is not have the conversation. So know that even if the conversation doesn’t go perfect it is better than not having it.
Specifically in this situation you have two strategies a passive strategy (not my preferred strategy) or one that requires a bit more assertiveness.
A passive strategy to share fantasies with your boyfriend
A passive strategy could work well if you have a strong relationship and one that is built on lots of trust. Specifically when you have a relationship in which you can lead an interaction and your partner will follow. This applies to the bedroom as well. Assuming that you have had some interaction while “playing” then you can build on this interaction and make suggestions. A subtle submissive step like: “Tell me what you want.” or “You get to be my boss, tell me what to do.” will open the door into a slightly more dominant/submissive relationship in the bedroom. Alternatively, you can turn it up a little and say, “I’ll be your bitch (or dirty little bitch) or slave and you tell me what to do.” If you are looking to introduce a bit more of a daddy dom/ little dynamic you can say, “Be my daddy” or “Take me daddy.”
The trust here is essential as something like this might be taken way out of context and may be a buzzkill if you don’t have trust (go right to the more assertive strategies below).
The important key to this is to have a conversation following this interaction. It will be really important that after this interaction that you discuss how this interaction made you feel. If you enjoyed the interaction and the results, then say, “I really enjoyed XXXXX (fill in with specifics about what your really liked) and it will be ok for you to take that role more often.” You could also share, “I really enjoyed that adventure, feel free to take it up a notch next time.” From here you can build on this discussion and interaction up to a point where both of you are comfortable.
The more active strategy to share your fantasies with your boyfriend
If the passive strategy hasn’t worked, or you are looking for something that is a little more active or assertive then you need to find a time to have a discussion. This might be on a drive in the car, a discussion over dinner or even while cuddling in bed. In any conversation the key here is to own the conversation and you feelings and needs. Here you will want to start by saying: “You know what I would like to try? ________ .” (and fill in the blank with what you would like to try) In this specific situation you could share, “You know what I would like to try? I would like to try or roll play being a little more submissive in the bedroom, or in the our relationship.” You could substitute specifically where you would like to be a bit more submissive. As feared, this conversation could go a little awry if your boyfriend or fiancé gets defensive and starts feeling inadequate. The key here is to keep the emphasis on yourself. The key here is by not saying, “you need to be” or “you aren’t dominant enough for my taste” but you are saying that you would like to take he more submissive role and taking the ownership of being more submissive. Of course the inverse and result of this is that your partner will take a more dominant role. In most situations your partner will be willing to play along and at least give this a try at which time you can continue to follow up with what is going well and areas that you would be willing to be more submissive and you can coach ways that your fiancé can be more dominant.
What if the conversation begins to go bad?
If you are discussing or sharing fantasies, if the conversation goes south then the relationship may not be as strong as you thought it might be. Since fantasies are just those things that excite you, or that you may want to try. People in strong relationships will support each other in these and will at least be understanding. So the problems might be a bit bigger than what we can get into here. If the conversation is not blowing up, but is not quite going down the path that you would like it, go back to your own feelings. You can go back to, “I would like to try.”
If the conversation goes a bit further or emotions get a bit more elevated, you can bring back the relationship and trust by saying: “Do you trust that I don’t want to hurt your feelings? I am just sharing things that I want to try” or “I am just sharing what I would like.” Again the focus is not on what others need to do, it is what you like/need.
Typically this advice will work in just about any situation, but specifically could be considered when you want to share fantasies with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Here are some other options out there on how to share fantasies with your partner: